i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
