things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
