i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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