If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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