I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
