yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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