What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Randomize
