I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize