We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
