Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
