hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
