I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
