sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
