the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I am spending my child support on dildos
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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