Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
