Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
