I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
