Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
