ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
