it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
