is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize