I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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