No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
