I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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