just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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