I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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