just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
