My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
