And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
