I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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