we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
