what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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