This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
