farters have to be the big spoon...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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