I am in a vortex of obligation.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
3 2 1 whiskey
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
