What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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