i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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