apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
