my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize