watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
