Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
