Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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