***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
