no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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