I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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