I feel great
I just peed on a car
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
