So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
