My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
