i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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