It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
