My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
