I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
