My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
