It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
