im holly from the hills drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
