Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
