Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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