Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
