i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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