How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
